This is a guest post by Sarah Cosway, a BABCP-accredited CBT therapist.

In a quiet moment of reflection, standing by the mirror, when did you realise that you didn’t recognise the person looking back at you?

Perhaps you’ve been operating on autopilot … doing whatever you can to cope … and finally you have had a moment to reflect.

To notice what has changed; how your life is now different.

With the onset of a chronic illness, we can experience a sense of estrangement where we’re feeling like a stranger in our own body.

This trusty biological vehicle that’s transported ‘you’ around up until now is not doing things that it used to do so naturally. Things that you once took for granted.

In that quiet moment where you pause and catch your breath, it’s unsurprising then to be joined by sadness, frustration, and fear.

A Loss Nobody Warned You About

When you received a diagnosis of a long-term health condition, the clinicians tend to bombard you with a lot of information:

• details about the condition itself
• how it will be managed
• medication regimens
• follow-up appointments.

It may be only afterwards, that you realise that the conversation didn’t include much in the way of acknowledgement of how you might be feeling about this.

All too often, I hear that patients have felt unheard by their clinician, being treated as a set of symptoms rather than as a person, with no support for the emotional impact of what they’d just been told.

Then after, have you beaten yourself up for feeling sorry for yourself? Telling yourself that you should be taking it all in your stride. Perhaps feeling some guilt at not being able to contribute as you tell yourself you should be able to.

“Burden” is the single most painful word I hear uttered by my clients.

Caught Between Who You Were and Who You Are Now

In that feeling of not knowing yourself any more, there is a sense of loss and, perhaps, of being lost; not knowing how to move forwards into this new world.

Of being a stranger in your own life. Stuck between a past you can’t return to and a present you don’t yet recognise.

You might find yourself saying that you “just want to get back to the old me” which adds to the despair when the next thought to arrive is that it’ll never happen and you can’t get back what has gone.

You Might Not Be Missing What You Think

When we’re struggling to adapt, we often focus on the loss in terms of the things that we can’t do anymore, but perhaps there is something deeper than that?

What did that thing that you can’t do any more bring to you? Perhaps that’s the real loss? And perhaps that can be regained via a different avenue?

For example, someone who is no longer able to run due to their chronic health condition, would perhaps feel this loss terribly. At face value it is the exercise that has been taken from them.

But in exploring the function of the running and what they got out of it, we might come to realise that it was the camaraderie of being in a running group that was the biggest loss for them. They had lost their social outlet.

Once we understand this, we are able to find alternative ways of bringing this richness back into their life without them having to be part of the running club.

So when you think about the old you, rather than thinking about what they were doing in a practical sense, think about how they were getting value from life and that could be a springboard for your new life.

A long-term condition changes what’s possible, but it doesn’t have to change what’s meaningful. Learning to live well with it starts in understanding what really matters to you … how to move forwards in order to get back to what you value in life.

There’s more than one path through the woods.

You Are Still You

The compass for that path lies in something the chronic condition hasn’t touched.

The starting point for your journey is closer than you might think, it’s already inside you.

When we explore what’s important, and I mean really important, deep down in our hearts, uncovering our values and our “why”, we start to have a deeper understanding of our “who” as well.

We start to understand ourselves in terms of our qualities and not our physical capabilities. Whatever limitations your chronic health condition imposes upon you, you are still the same person on the inside that you were before. We see that when we look through the lens of your values and moral perspectives rather than the lens of practical abilities.

We can find alternative and new ways of expressing your true self, for which the physical condition isn’t a barrier.

Your identity is not your capability, it is your intrinsic qualities that make you YOU.

Same Values, New Possibilities

A chronic condition might take up an enormous amount of space in your day, but it does not have to claim the space where your values live.

But perhaps it still feels impossible that there could be an alternative path through the woods. Perhaps the weight of that word “burden” still feels too heavy on your shoulders.

If that’s where you are right now, ask yourself this: “would you speak to someone you love the way you are speaking to yourself?”

The kindness and compassion you would naturally extend to others … you deserve that too.

Remember that resting is working hard too:

• rest is active repair
• rest is preserving capacity
• rest is an act of wisdom not surrender

That is not laziness, it is self-care, and self-care is never selfish.

And when you’re ready (and there is no rush) start small.

• Think about why things have been meaningful to you.
• Reflect honestly on your qualities, your values, the things that make you YOU.
• Then ask yourself how those might be expressed differently.

That’s where your new path begins.

Not sure what your values are? Try the free five-minute values card sort — a short interactive exercise to help you notice what matters most, and a gentle place to begin.

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This article is for informational and educational purposes only and does not substitute for professional medical advice or psychological therapy.

About the author

Sarah Cosway is a BABCP-accredited Cognitive Behavioural Psychotherapist with over a decade of experience working in mental health, both within the NHS and in private practice. She offers tailored CBT in a compassionate, collaborative environment, empowering clients to build resilience and manage their mental well-being with confidence. Find out more at coswaycbt.co.uk.