Finding Solid Ground After a Cancer Diagnosis

When Ellen* heard the words "You have cancer" from her doctor, the room seemed to tilt on its axis. In an instant, the life she knew - busy but fulfilling, with a loving family and meaningful work - felt like it was crumbling beneath her feet.

If you've received a cancer diagnosis, you may recognise Ellen's experience of feeling unmoored, filled with swirling thoughts of "Why me?", "What will happen now?", and "How will I cope?". The emotional tsunami that follows those three little words is normal and valid. A cancer diagnosis shatters the illusion of immortality that we rely on to move through daily life. It's no wonder the ground feels shaky.

In the midst of this upheaval, know this: You are not alone, and there are ways to find your footing again, even in this unfamiliar landscape. Steadying yourself starts with understanding your reactions.

Why Traditional Approaches May Not Work

Many cancer patients report grasping for a sense of control after diagnosis. Understandably, they often turn to two common approaches: minimising the threat ("The doctor is probably exaggerating, I'm sure it's not that bad") or over-preparing by obsessively researching prognosis statistics and treatment protocols.

While gathering information and maintaining a positive outlook can sometimes be helpful, using them to avoid the uncomfortable emotions surrounding a cancer diagnosis is ultimately unhelpful. Minimising may temporarily relieve anxiety, but it disconnects you from taking helpful action for your health and wellbeing. On the flip side, over-preparing by endlessly scrolling medical websites at 2am reinforces a sense of helplessness and dread.

The truth is a cancer diagnosis comes with uncertainty that we can't think our way out of. Attempts to establish complete control over the uncontrollable only leave us exhausted and more anxious. And importantly, they keep us from being present for what truly matters and needs our attention.

Quick Tip: Notice if you're "future-tripping". Repeatedly asking "what if" and imagining catastrophic scenarios feels productive but only feeds anxiety. When you notice your mind wandering to the future, gently bring yourself back to the present moment.

Unpacking the Complexities of Cancer

A cancer diagnosis threatens our sense of self and safety in the world. Suddenly, the body that has dutifully carried us through life feels like the enemy, with mutinous cells that may destroy us. This deep sense of betrayal often brings intense feelings of anxiety, sadness, anger and isolation.

Remember: These emotions are normal responses to an abnormal situation. Letting yourself feel them, without judgment, is part of processing this profound life change. Resist the urge to criticise yourself for not "staying positive". Experiencing negative emotions does not cause cancer and suppressing them does not cure it.

Practical Steps to Manage

What does this look like in practice? Let's return to Ellen. After her diagnosis, she swung between determined over-functioning - cooking elaborate meals, alphabetising her bookshelves, folding hospital corners on the bed - and complete immobilisation, unable to return her friends' calls or show up to work. She berated herself for not handling things better.

In therapy, Ellen learned to create space for all her feelings without over-identifying with them. When fear showed up, she named it and felt it in her body without getting carried away by catastrophic thoughts. When sadness arrived, she let herself cry without criticising the tears. She pictured her emotions like ocean waves, cresting and receding, knowing she could ride them out.

Quick Tip: Identify your go-to distractions. When uncomfortable emotions surface, do you reach for your phone, the remote, or the refrigerator? Notice the urge, take a breath, and let yourself feel the feeling, knowing it will pass.

Quick Wins to Start Feeling Better

Steadying yourself after a cancer diagnosis is an ongoing practice, not a perfect achievement. Start with these steps: 

• Grieve the life you expected. A cancer diagnosis is a major loss and grieving it doesn't mean giving up. Acknowledge the sadness. Missing the innocence of your formerly healthy life is understandable.

• Radically accept reality. This doesn't mean passively resigning yourself to circumstances. It means aligning yourself with the reality of your diagnosis so you can take intentional action.  Fighting reality only increases suffering.

Remember: Accepting a cancer diagnosis is NOT the same as wanting it, liking it, choosing it or endorsing it. It simply means acknowledging it as true so that you can respond effectively.

• Let others support you. Share what you're going through with people you trust. Be specific about ways they can help. Your openness allows loved ones to feel useful and connected to you on a deeper level.

• Be intentional with your attention. While over-focusing on prognosis and treatments increases anxiety, getting informed enough to make values-based decisions about your care engages your wise self. What kind of patient do you want to be? How can you advocate for your needs?

• Prioritise joy. Engage in activities that make you feel energised and alive, even if you have less stamina than before. Savour small pleasures. Laugh with your children. Admire the way light falls across the floor. Joy and adversity can coexist. 

• Stay tethered to your values. A cancer diagnosis can clarify what truly matters. Whether it's showing up for your family, finishing a degree or being in nature, continuing to engage in what provides your life with meaning is deeply empowering. It's a reminder that cancer does not define you.

Above all, have compassion for yourself as you navigate this challenging chapter. Some days you will handle things gracefully, other days you'll struggle. Both are okay. Take it moment by moment, day by day.

Common Questions

Q: Isn't "accepting" a cancer diagnosis giving up?

A: Absolutely not. Accepting reality enables you to respond wisely and self-compassionately. Fighting reality increases suffering without changing circumstances.

 Q: I can't "choose joy" right now. Am I doing this wrong?

A: You're not doing anything wrong. "Choosing joy" doesn't mean feeling happy about cancer. It means continuing to engage in life-giving activities while making space for challenging emotions.

 Q: Will feeling my negative emotions make them worse?

A: Though counterintuitive, feeling negative emotions is often the path to loosening their grip. Emotions naturally rise, crest and fall, like waves, when we let them run their course.

Finding Support and Breaking the Cycle

If you're struggling after a cancer diagnosis, you don't have to figure it out alone. Book a free consultation to discuss how therapy can help you process this life change and stay connected to what matters most to you. Together, we can explore ways to feel steadier and more empowered while managing the uncertainty of a cancer diagnosis.

*Ellen is not a real person. The example in this post has been fabricated for illustrative purposes.